Self-Esteem vs. Self-Compassion: Why You Need Both

We’re often told to build confidence, but when confidence is rooted only in achievement or external validation, it can become fragile. This is where self compassion offers balance. Defined by Dr. Kristin Neff, self compassion means being kind to yourself in moments of struggle rather than reacting with criticism or shame.

Self esteem says, "I like myself when I succeed."

Self compassion says, "I still have worth, even when I fail."

Both are essential. Self esteem can motivate you to set goals, try new things and take pride in your abilities. But without self compassion, your self worth rises and falls with your performance. Self compassion, on the other hand, offers a steady foundation. It helps you bounce back from setbacks without spiralling into self doubt.

Together, these two qualities create emotional flexibility, a powerful inner resource that allows you to adapt your thoughts, emotions and behaviours when life doesn’t go as planned. Emotional flexibility is your ability to bend without breaking, to respond rather than react and to maintain your core values even in the face of disruption.

When you’re emotionally flexible, you don’t get swept away by every difficult moment. You can pause, reflect and adjust. This means fewer emotional extremes and more balanced, conscious choices throughout your day. Instead of spiralling after a setback, you recalibrate. Instead of getting stuck in self judgment, you shift toward self understanding.

On a day when everything’s going well, self esteem helps you feel confident and energised. On a tougher day, self compassion offers you a soft landing. Emotional flexibility gives you both options and the wisdom to know which to use.

A 2011 study published in Self and Identity found that self compassion was more strongly linked to emotional resilience than self esteem alone. It reduces social comparison, eases perfectionism and supports mental health during periods of stress. When combined, self esteem and self compassion help you navigate the ups and downs of life with more grace, strength and emotional maturity.

At ESO, our session on Changing Habits helps you develop both. We guide you to build authentic confidence while also practicing gentle self talk, realistic goal-setting and emotional regulation. You don’t have to choose between growth and grace, you need both.