You Can Change: Lessons from My Journey By Shane Lutkin, Co-Founder of EmotionalSkills Online
Over the years as a therapist, I’ve heard countless people say things like, “That’s just the way I’m wired,” or “You can’t change a leopard’s spots.” I understand why people believe that, because for a long time, I believed it too. But after working with thousands of clients and after changing my own life completely, I can tell you with certainty: you can change. Not into someone else, but into the version of yourself you were always meant to be.
The Version of Me That Wasn’t Me
For years, I lived a life that looked successful but felt empty. I was a classic workaholic; driven, restless, always on the edge of irritability. On paper, I had everything: a good career, a busy life, external success. But internally, I was a mess of overthinking, stress and simmering anger. I was living a version of myself that was completely alien to who I really was.
What I didn’t realise at the time was that I’d built a protective shell, a façade of toughness and control. Behind it, I felt fragile, anxious and detached from any real sense of purpose. That façade kept me safe, but it also kept me stuck. I wasn’t living; I was enduring.
Eventually, the weight of that inner conflict became unbearable. I burned out. And when the burnout deepened into breakdown, I found myself on a long, hard road that forced me to confront who I really was.
The Turning Point
It didn’t happen overnight. It rarely does. My own transformation began not with an epiphany, but with an admission: “I don’t actually know who I am.” That realisation was terrifying, but it was also the beginning of change.
I began studying psychology and psychotherapy, first out of desperation, then out of fascination. I spent five years in education and over twenty thousand hours working face-to-face with clients. As I learned, I slowly began to apply what I was teaching to myself. Bit by bit, I started dismantling my old ways of being, the defensiveness, the cynicism, the self criticism and making space for something truer.
Change was uncomfortable. I had to leave behind the “Old Me” that felt oddly safe in its dysfunction. But staying in that hole would have been worse, a waste of the only life I had. So, I chose to step out, one small, deliberate move at a time.
Becoming the Person I Was Meant to Be
The “New Me” isn’t perfect. I still carry elements of who I was, the drive, the curiosity, the dry humour, but without the sharp edges that once hurt me and others. I’m calmer now. More balanced. I like who I am and I don’t need to pretend to be someone else.
When I accepted my own weaknesses instead of hiding from them, something remarkable happened: I became stronger. I learned what I’m good at, what brings me peace and what truly matters. And just as importantly, I learned to recognise the situations that drain or unsettle me and how to navigate them without falling apart.
This is what I now call authentic balance: the ongoing process of knowing yourself deeply, accepting yourself fully and choosing how to live consciously.
The Birth of EmotionalSkills Online
The lessons I learned through that journey became the foundation for what is now EmotionalSkills Online (ESO). Originally, it began as my own personal toolkit, a way to structure and understand my emotional world. Over time, it evolved into a full therapeutic model used successfully with clients across thousands of sessions.
I created ESO to help people who are struggling with what I call “normal-person psychological tensions.” You don’t need a diagnosis, a label, or a crisis to benefit from emotional self work. You just need the willingness to look inward and begin.
Because that’s where real change starts, not at rock bottom, but at the moment you decide you deserve better.
What I’ve Learned About Change
Change isn’t quick. It takes effort, patience and sometimes pain. But the time will pass either way, it’s better spent moving forward than staying stuck.
Change isn’t becoming someone else. It’s uncovering who you were before fear, stress, and conditioning took over.
Change requires honesty. You can’t heal what you refuse to see. Facing your reality is uncomfortable, but it’s the only route to freedom.
Change is always possible. I’ve seen hundreds of clients and lived it myself, move from anxious, disconnected and burnt out to centred, grounded, and content.
A Closing Thought
If you take anything from my story, let it be this: you are not fixed. You are not the sum of your worst habits or hardest years. You can change, not by denying your past, but by understanding it.
When you recognise your authentic reality; your strengths, your flaws, your story, you stop fighting yourself and start working with yourself. That’s where transformation begins.
At ESO, we don’t promise quick fixes or instant breakthroughs. What we offer is something more powerful: a structured, compassionate way to understand who you are, why you feel as you do and how to move forward, one real step at a time.
Because you don’t need to be someone new.
You just need to become yourself.