Why “Pull Yourself Together” Is the Worst Mental Health Advice

We’ve all heard it, maybe from a well meaning friend, a family member, or even ourselves: “Just pull yourself together.” It’s one of the most common pieces of advice given to someone who’s struggling emotionally. It’s also one of the least helpful.

At first glance, it sounds tough minded and practical. But when you look at it closely, the phrase makes no real sense. Telling someone with anxiety to “stop worrying” is like telling someone with pneumonia to “stop coughing.” It ignores what’s actually happening inside the body and mind and it replaces understanding with judgement.

Why This Phrase Does More Harm Than Good

When people say “pull yourself together,” they usually mean “get back to normal.” But that assumption misses an important truth: if someone could simply snap out of it, they would have done so already.

Anxiety, depression, trauma and chronic stress are not failures of willpower,  they’re physiological and psychological responses. The body’s stress systems, hormones and neural networks are deeply involved. You can’t command them into balance any more than you can order a fever to break.

When someone hears “pull yourself together,” they often internalise shame instead of support. It says: your feelings are wrong, your struggle is weakness, and you should be able to fix yourself. That message isolates rather than heals.

What People Actually Need Instead

Most people who are struggling don’t need to be told to “try harder.” They need to be met with understanding and a few practical steps that help regulate rather than repress emotion.

If you or someone you care about feels mentally or emotionally overwhelmed, start here:

1. Name what’s happening.
Labelling emotions reduces their intensity. Saying “I feel anxious” or “I’m low today” is the first step toward regulation. It moves you from being in the emotion to observing it, something research at UCLA shows calms the brain’s stress centres.

2. Take your feelings seriously.
Dismissing distress doesn’t make it disappear; it just drives it underground. Acknowledge what’s real, even if it’s uncomfortable. Validation is the foundation for change.

3. Replace criticism with compassion.
If you spoke to yourself the way you speak to a close friend, your mind would soften instead of tighten. Self compassion is not indulgence, it’s maintenance.

4. Seek guidance early.
You don’t need to wait for a crisis to get help. Talk to a GP, counsellor, or try a structured self guided resource like EmotionalSkills Online, which offers confidential, flexible support to help you understand and regulate your emotions.

5. Build small emotional habits.
Tiny daily actions, pausing before reacting, journalling one sentence, taking a conscious breath, help restore balance. These small practices train your nervous system to recover from stress rather than stay locked in it.

Understanding Doesn’t Mean Resignation

Taking yourself seriously doesn’t mean staying stuck. It means acknowledging your situation clearly so you can respond intelligently. Most people, with time, guidance and consistent effort, can reduce emotional distress and feel better equipped to handle life’s challenges.

At ESO, we’ve seen this repeatedly. People who begin by saying “this is just how I am” often discover that what they thought was permanent is actually learned, and therefore can be unlearned.

A Better Kind of Strength

True emotional strength isn’t about pretending everything is fine. It’s about the courage to pause, recognise what’s happening, and reach for the right kind of support.

So, the next time you hear someone say “pull yourself together,” remember this: it’s not about pulling harder, it’s about understanding deeper.

Because when you take your emotional life seriously,  when you learn, reflect and regulate, you don’t just hold yourself together.
You hold yourself with care.